The Radical Act Of Embodying Connections

by Marca McCallie

"As lovers, we poise together delicately on a tightrope. When the winds of doubt and fear begin blowing if we panic and clutch at each other or abruptly turn away and head for cover, the rope sways more and more, and our balance becomes even more precarious. To stay on the rope, we must shift with each other's moves, respond to each other's emotions. As we connect, we balance each other. We are in emotional equilibrium."

- Sue Johnson

Who are you? Who is the person sitting in front of you? What does it mean to know ourselves and to be open to our experiences? What does it mean to know another and to be open to their experiences? 

These are the questions that have sparked my curiosity for the past several years. This incredible dance of connection requires us to engage with our emotions and improvise within our relationships. The image of the attunement process of love feeling like a tight rope walk in Sue Johnson's book, Hold Me Tight, gives a poignant picture of our deep interconnectedness and the equalizing balance of authentic connection. But, what is this internal dance? How does a person know when to move and respond? How are they both to notice and react to their own bodies' inner sensations while also trying to navigate the inner sensations in another's experience? How do we navigate the world of emotions? 

Understanding Emotions

Emotions are felt. They reside beneath and within our skin. They can disturb our guts and constrict our chest. They can open our breath and warm our core. They're physical, locatable sensations that signal a primal movement toward or away. Emotions also carry meaning and history. The smell of breakfast in the morning can time travel me back to sitting in my Grandmother's kitchen, waiting for the school bus. These sensations feel like warmth. And to me, warmth signals safety, connection, and comfort. This urges me to move forward towards the event in time bringing pleasure. Embodying our emotions can give life color and flavor, but more than that, emotions give our life movement. Movement can look like the approach a mother takes when comforting her child or the swelling up of the chest when setting a boundary, or even the subtle movement found in the rocking of the breath when we're sitting still.

What is Anger?

Let's start with the movement of anger. What is it? Where does it live in the body when we cue up a memory of anger? For me, I feel heat and constriction in my guts. My fists feel tight and my jaw clenches. My thoughts interpret these sensations as "something is not okay" and "something needs to change - now." Anger is a movement emotion. It's on the spectrum of the "fight" survival response. It helps us set boundaries, protect ourselves, and notice the "no" in our lives. Anger is life energy. How often does the movement of this anger get pushed down or pushed away? What are the consequences of silencing our life force? Rage maybe? Numbness? Or worse, a disconnection from the very parts of ourselves that bring us life and passion? 

What is Sadness?

How about the emotion and movement of sadness? Sadness is another emotion that is often pushed aside, masked, or pushed away. I think of the movie Inside Out when Joy draws a circle around Sadness and tells her not to leave the circle. How often do we do that when we feel sad? Sadness is a hard emotion that communicates "something is important to me" or "I am in pain." The very sharing of sadness signals people to move towards offering comfort and support. When a child cries, it signals the parent to move toward them. It's a bid for connection and calls for soothing and comfort amidst the difficult feelings. Sadness connects.

What is Joy? 

How about joy and experiencing pleasant emotions? How often do we savor the moments that feel good? Pleasure signals the "yes!" and the "I want more of this" response. It's an essential sensation for procreation and fun. It connects us and moves us towards friendships, partners, and purpose. Making room for the "yes" is another vital life energy that enriches, flavors, and drives our experiences. 

The Full Spectrum

Anger, Sadness, and Joy are a few of the primary colors of emotions that only scratch the surface of the fuller spectrum of rich experiences of living and connectedness. The sensation of a sunset, the warmth of a baby asleep on your chest, the pride in achieving a goal, the excitement of sharing yourself in conversation. These are all flavors of emotions experienced in the body when we're full of life and vitality. What happens when emotions are not allowed to show up? What happens when the movements of emotions are stuck and restricted? 

Factoring in Trauma

Many people who have experienced trauma split off from their sensations. Their experiences were too much, and their connection was too dangerous. Emotions stopped being safe and instead become something to be controlled and dismissed. Dismissing emotions come at a high cost; the loss of self and connection. Many people who experience a split from their emotional self may feel like they’re living in an empty shell where their life energy is too far away and too dangerous to feel. In his book The Voice of the Body, Alexander Lowen said, "The cracking of the shell is equivalent to a confrontation with death. Living in the shell seems to guarantee survival, even if it represents a severe limitation on one's life. To stay in the shell and suffer seems safer than to risk death for freedom and joy. This is not a consciously thought out position." No wonder people numb with substances. No wonder parents struggle to be present with their children. No wonder couples struggle to connect, and the idea of friendships terrify. Trauma histories primed us to see emotions and sensations as a threat. We need to survive. Life energy is too dangerous. It is in reclaiming our innate instinct to feel and heal that is necessary on our journey to fuller lives and connections. 

A Safe Space

At Sage Home, we want to support and truly "see" women who had to survive by living in a shell. We believe the very act of seeing and holding supportive, compassionate space as they navigate the difficulties of recovery gives permission and encouragement to begin to reclaim the split-off parts of themselves. We believe that the more parents feel safe to feel and trust their body, the more they'll do the sacred dance of connection with their child and their community, making them whole once again. Healthy attachments require opening to emotions and sensations with safety and competence in the body. We connect in healthy ways because we feel and trust our bodies. Emotions bring life and connections, which repair the wounds of trauma and disconnection. May we all reclaim a radical embodiment of our sensations and connections so that we may lead authentic lives full of movement. 

"How beautiful it is when one lives completely and not with just a part of oneself. When one is full to the rim and calm because there is nothing more to get in."

― Erich Maria Remarque, Arch of Triumph: A Novel of a Man Without a Country

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